Piranha 3D Review

 

This movie was always going to be a guilty pleasure, a throwback to the simpler times when action / horror movies could be mindless, yet incredibly fun at the same time. However the element of nostalgia that drives people towards revisiting older movies and franchises is somewhat lost in this remake of this 80’s “classic”.

The story here is very predictable and revolves around deadly prehistoric fish wreaking havoc during Spring Break. For an action movie the story usually doesn’t have to be very sophisticated, but they have taken this to a new low with the lack of actual story development, which is pretty much nonexistent. The clichés and plot holes are plentiful in this film, and it’s best to leave your mind behind when trying to sit through this film.

I admit that I have not watched this in 3D, which may have taken away something from this movie, but I seriously doubt it would have made it THAT much better. For me the biggest draw was seeing piranhas wreaking havoc on unsuspecting spring break victims, and the amount of time I had to wait, and sit through scenes where bad pornstars tried their best to “act” without actually showing that much skin was just painful. Most action scene setups could be seen from a mile away, and the over-the-top gore was nowhere near as satisfying as I hoped it would be.

The movie’s stars include Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames, both of whom are clearly just there to pay their bills. It’s painful to see Christopher Lloyd having to stoop this low and make a cameo appearance (most of which can be seen in the trailer) – I guess he’s hit some pretty hard times to need cash this bad. Jessica Szohr of Gossip Girl fame provides some nice eye candy, and Kelly Brook reminds us that you don’t have to know how to act if you look as good as she does in a bikini.

There are a handful of scenes in this movie that did make me crack up. Most notably there is a genitalia-related incident, some boob-slicing action and nude parasailing gone horribly wrong, but these don’t make up for the overall disappointment this movie ultimately delivers. With an 18 rating it misses out on what would have been their key demographic – teenage kids who like nudity and action. However for anyone who’s old enough to remember the original, or appreciate 80’s action flicks, it misses the mark by quite some distance and falls squarely in no-man’s land of mediocrity.

Rating: 1/5